“Mom, what are you putting at those corners in the balcony?” I asked sleepily one fine morning. She was so focused on what she was doing and only after a while, she flashed a rectangular box at me and it read “ANTS AND COCKROACHES KILLER”. I knew why. Not only had the recent ‘invasion’ by unexpected new ‘visitors’ to my house caused my mother to keep the house extra clean, it had also resulted in the stocking up of more insecticide and Dettol. This was not the situation before they moved in.
My new neighbor was living in one of the rural parts of China before they came to Singapore. They started out as a family of 4, which over the years has increased to 7. They are friendly people, but one thing that disgusts us was their lack of hygiene.
They always had the habit of drying food (e.g. shrimps, cuttlefish, squids, vegetables) right outside their house for a few consecutive days. When the wind blows and carries the smell over, it is not pleasant at all. Furthermore, their food attracted ants and they did not have preventive measures in place. These ants started crawling around the whole place, causing inconvenience to all and putting small children at risk. At first, I was very irritated and tried to talk my mother to talk to them but she said that we should learn to accommodate to their custom. This may have been the way they lived back in their hometown. I was not convinced and I felt that since they are living here in Singapore, they should adapt to our style!
The door bell rang and my mother answered to accept a parcel. She signed for it but something caught her eye as she stood rooted in her position for a long time and one corner of her mouth twitched as she tried to control her anger. The look of disgust was written all over her face. I walked over and to my surprise, I saw my neighbor’s child peeing outside their house!
My mother took a while to compose herself. I would not have expected her to scold the child nor speak to our neighbor as she has never done that, but this time round, she invited my neighbor to come to our house for lunch. During lunch, I overheard their conversation and was amazed by how she managed to communicate to my neighbor without straining their relationship. Subsequently after the talk, my neighbor took note of their actions and the situation improved.
The whole episode would not have a good ending if I told them bluntly how irritated I was with their habits or if my mother had vented her anger by scolding the child. From this incident, I realized that we need to be in control of our emotions before deciding what to do. When in comes to communicating with someone whose culture and the way they were brought up is entirely different from us, we need to understand them first before trying to ask them to understand us. Only in this way, both parties will be able to come to a consensus faster.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Thank you for sharing this story, ZiQi. I can see that your mother is a master of tact and good sense. She must have a high EQ!
ReplyDeleteAt the same time, do you suppose that you could be confusing cultural traits with personal ones? What I mean to say is this: can we assume that every child from China is accustomed to peeing outside their front door?
Dear zQ,
ReplyDeleteThanks a lot of sharing such a long but interesting story! I am glad that you have manage to realize the importance of EQ and emotional self-control. Your mum must have really excellent interpersonal and commuication skills to resolve this situation amicably. Besides, i would like to commend your mum for conveying to her neighbours about their shortcomings truthfully. By doing so, your neighbours would understand that their behaviours are not socially accepted. This is definitely better than keeping mum and allow their "primative" behaviour to generates tension between them and other neighbours.
Dear Zi Qi,
ReplyDeleteI agree with the point that one needs to be in control of their emotions when resolving conflicts.
Just a comment: sometimes the "calm emotionless" way of speech would not be well tolerated by the other party. I have seen many couples with one party being very agitated in an argument, and the other party replies calmly, in their nonchalant-ish normal way of speech.
This may irritate the agitated party even more if the party feels that the other party does not care enough to even change their tone!
So control is important, and calm response isn't always the best.
I don't think we can assume that kids from the China mainland pee outside their front door, but I think the food drying trait is a regional one (my Korean friend's mum does that too at their HDB flat).
Thanks Brad!
ReplyDeleteI supposed not every child from China is accustomed to peeing outside their front door but I do think that they find it acceptable to do so. In Singapore, every household has at least a toilet and we would not expect such behavior and hence cannot tolerate such practices.
Thanks Terry! Yep, I think I need to start learning from my mother. Personally, I may not have that patience to wait and see what happens so I might just end up confronting my neighbors. Sometimes, it is really a wise choice to leave things as it is for a while to observe and decide the next best move^^
ReplyDeleteThanks Chong Yew! I think you brought up a very relevant point about the 'calm emotionless' way of speech and personally I have experienced the same thing you had described. It is so true and so hard to strike a balance! Anyone want to share how they manage such situation? ;P
ReplyDeleteHi ZiQi,
ReplyDeleteI would like to say that the drying of food outside is due to the availability of space.
Even my mum dry fruits outside back in Mauritius to make pickles. In Singapore, it feels quite weird since people have limited space. Maybe the lady did not realise the nuisance this will cause to the neighbours upon doing this.
Concerning the peeing outside it is very unacceptable to do it in singapore, but since they come from a rural part of China, maybe people do it over there. I'm not generalising the case, its just that in developing countries, sometimes they do not have access to proper toilet facilities.(e.g.) if you have watched Slumdog Millionaire there is a part in it.
I would also say that your mother was very tactful in the way she dealt with the problem and you should definitely learn from her.